When most people ask about writing intimacy, they mean spicy sex scenes. But intimacy isn’t synonymous with sex life, it’s about connections and emotional closeness as well. Knowing how to build emotional intimacy in a romance story is just as important, if not more important, as knowing how to write sex scenes.
Find out what emotional intimacy is and how to write it into your romance story, whether you’re a short story writer, a romance novel writer, or both.
What is emotional intimacy?
Emotional intimacy is about being connected to and knowing your partner on a deep level. Like sexual intimacy involves sexual closeness – knowing your partner’s kinks, limits, and preferences – emotional intimacy is about having a close connection with your partner.
The meaning of intimacy, according to Cambridge Dictionary, is “the state of having a close, personal relationship or romantic relationship with someone”.
Emotional intimacy can be platonic or romantic, but today we’ll focus on romantic intimacy between partners.
Building emotional intimacy requires several things from your characters: self-awareness, compassion, and vulnerability. They need to be open to sharing themself with their partner(s), including sharing their secrets, preferences, and need for support.
Examples of emotional intimacy
One of the best examples of emotional intimacy is the 5 Love Languages. According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate, the five love languages are:
- Words of affirmation (compliments)
- Quality time
- Gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
There are many ways to interpret love languages, and you don’t have to delve much into psychology to understand them. The idea is that everyone has different needs, and love languages can act as a guide for understanding what someone needs from a relationship.
Being complimented by their partner(s) could cause a character to feel validated for something they’ve done, or even existing. If one character compliments another on their appearance, it makes them feel attractive and appreciated.
Going on regular dates is another form of emotional intimacy, because the characters are spending quality time with each other. This gives them an opportunity to connect, talk about their relationship, and make time for the other(s).
We’ll go into more ways of using the five love languages in a romance story further on.
Why does building emotional intimacy in your writing matter?
I’m sure you’re wondering why this all matters. In romance stories, whether it’s a short story, a novella, or a novel, emotional intimacy improves your story by building on the main relationship. Readers care about this – they want to see people in love, people who are perfect for one another.
A common trope in romantic fiction is miscommunication. It’s used to cause conflict in a relationship to stop the characters from being together, to split up, or just to add a bit more will-they-won’t-they into the plot. Sometimes, miscommunication veers too much into a cliché, and this can ruin a reader’s enjoyment.
Emotional intimacy and miscommunication don’t work well together, though that doesn’t mean you can’t use both. But by bringing the conflict to outside the relationship – via external factors like relatives, friends, stress, and more – you can focus on strengthening the relationship so that readers are even more invested in your characters staying together.
Just check out some of these reviews for 2024 winners of the Romantic Novel of the Year Awards:
“I loved that they had healthy communication and were considerate of each other’s feeling.”
Anonymised extracts of reviews
“I wanted that notebook-esque feeling of two people in love growing old together with palpable chemistry, but I didn’t get that here. In fact, [character] and [character] were hardly even together for the majority of this story.”
“I do wish we got more time with them as a couple though towards the end.”
Here we can see that readers want healthy communication and time as a couple – it’s more satisfying for readers who are looking for the romance part of a romance novel.
As a romance writer, you need to balance the story with character development, but when it comes to romantic novels it’s also worth considering relationship development. This isn’t just going from meeting someone to dating them, but developing the closeness of the people in a relationship.
For romance novel series, a romance author also needs to consider developing from dating to living together to marriage to family life. Over time, you need to not only show your characters being in love but also in strengthening the relationship they have.
How to build emotional intimacy in a romance novel
So how do you build emotional intimacy? In a romantic short story, it’s easy to focus solely on the relationship, but building emotional intimacy throughout a romance novel can be difficult. Especially if your characters don’t get together early on.
First we need to think about what emotional intimacy looks like. A relationship with strong emotional intimacy will have great communication skills (even during conflict), empathy for one another, unconditional trust, and plenty of romantic satisfaction.
It’s the typical perfect relationship: two or more people who are in love with each other and want to spend every day together. They make other people jealous with their happiness, and they inspire people to find the perfect partner(s) for them.
That’s your goal to reach by the end of your novel. So by the mid-point, you need to think about how you’re going to build intimacy between your characters.
The most common way of doing this is through chapters dedicated to dates and quality time. By putting your characters in a situation where their only motivation it to get to know the other, you can explore what they’re looking for in a question.
As you continue through your romantic novel, ask yourself:
- Does this scene show both characters being open and honest?
- Does this scene demonstrate how much they care about the other character(s)?
- Is there anything I could add to show these characters are in love with each other?
- Is there anything in this scene that shows how these characters can overcome conflict with each other?
You shouldn’t avoid disagreements, arguments, or any other kind of conflict. Instead, think about how to solve relationship conflicts. Nobody is the truly perfect match for anyone else – there will always be something that they can’t agree on. But handling it in a healthy, empathetic way can really show the depth of a relationship.
Ways to build emotional intimacy in a romance story
Revisiting the five love languages, let’s go over ways to build emotional intimacy in a romance story. By using the love languages as our foundation, try to incorporate multiple aspects into your characters.
While the original framework for the five love languages suggests that everyone has one love language, try to pick 2 or 3 that resonate with your character. Think about what would make them happiest and make them appreciate their partner(s) the most.
Try some of the ideas below. You can even combine them with romance writing prompts.
Words of affirmation
Compliments, or words of affirmation, can occur spontaneously or in reaction to certain situations. If you have a character with low self-esteem, anxiety, or jealousy, words of affirmation can help strengthen their emotional intimacy with their partner(s).
Examples of using words of affirmation to build emotional intimacy include:
- Being complimented on their appearance, whether they’ve done something special or they just look as they always do.
- Being appreciated for something they’ve done, especially if they went out of their way to do something special for someone else.
- Being acknowledged for something difficult they’re going through, like a stressful project at work or mediating conflict between friends or relatives.
- Being encouraged when they’re struggling with something, such as difficulty obtaining a job or enduring challenges.
- Being told they’re loved, especially if they have doubts about the relationship because someone close to them disapproves.
Quality time
Quality time is the easiest love language to tackle in a short story, because you have such a small number of words to work with. It’s also surprisingly difficult in a romance novel, because spending time together isn’t the only aspect of this love language: it’s about quality time.
Think of quality time as being emotionally, mentally, and physically present in the moment. It’s dedicating time and focus to the other character(s), not just being in the same physical space as them.
Examples of using quality time to build emotional intimacy include:
- Date nights, where characters do something together and bond over shared hobbies, favourite places, or trying something new.
- Discarding distractions and focusing on each other, not also receiving texts or calls from others, and really seeking to find out new things about the other character(s).
- Creating traditions to last throughout their relationship, like a new winter holiday or a special way of commemorating an anniversary.
- Celebrating one another, whether it’s going for dinner after a promotion or throwing a birthday party they won’t forget.
- Having regular check-ins, such as calling before bed or having lunch together once a week.
Gifts
When you think of a character giving a gift to someone, you might only think about physical presents, but that’s not the only thing they can gift. Neither is it about gifting the most expensive thing possible.
Instead, think of receiving gifts as a way to show your characters really know what their partner(s) want. Gifts can be meaningful, intentional, and rewarding instead of just materialistic.
Examples of using gifts to build emotional intimacy include:
- Gifting a handmade present, such as something they’ve crafted or otherwise made: a painting, something knitted, a scrapbook, etc.
- Gifting a handwritten letter or note, like a declaration of love, a journal entry about their first date, or a handwritten proposal.
- Gifting a holiday to go on together, whether it’s a trip abroad or a stay in a location your character has always wanted to visit.
- Gifting a favourite meal, by having one character cook from scratch or ordering from a restaurant their partner(s) love.
- Gifting jewellery, like the typical necklace or bracelet present expected in certain romance genres, or repairing an heirloom.
Acts of service
The love language of acts of service revolves around making a character’s life easier in some way. This could be doing chores for them, completing errands they don’t have time for, or other gestures that show a character cares for them.
Examples of using acts of service for building emotional intimacy include:
- A character insists on cooking for their partner(s).
- A character returns home to a clean home, because their partner(s) paid for a cleaner or did the cleaning for them.
- Every morning, their partner prepares their favourite drink to start their day off well.
- A character is struggling with a DIY project and their partner(s) begins helping them.
- A character offers to help their partner(s) at every opportunity, whether it’s offering a lift, taking on problems to lighten their partner(s)’s load, or lending a hand at parties organised by their partner(s).
Physical touch
Physical touch can include sex, but let’s focus on physical touch as a variety of ways to connect characters physically. Kissing is one of the biggest examples of physical touch, but sprinkling in other physical gestures can diversify and strengthen a character’s relationship.
Examples of using physical touch for building emotional intimacy include:
- Holding hands
- Hugging
- Giving a character a massage
- Brushing a character’s hair
- Showering or bathing together
- Touching a character’s arm, shoulder, or back during conversations
- Cuddling in bed