While I’m not the only non-binary person in the writing community, I do often experience a lack of awareness in the community about the existence of non-binary people. That means their books never even feature a non-binary character.
To help solve this, I’ve compiled some common questions to help as many writers as possible learn about non-binary people and feel more confident about including them as characters.
In this blog post, you’ll find out what non-binary means, what pronouns to use, differences from other gender identities, what is and is not okay to ask, and what stereotypes to avoid in your writing.
Common questions about writing a non-binary character
I asked around for questions that writers have about non-binary people, and received some simple questions and some complex questions. Based on how specific they were, I’ve included the questions here with answers from my perspective.
It’s important to note that while I am non-binary, my experience as a non-binary person is not the same as everyone’s. There will be some non-binary people who would answer differently. I am answering every question as thoroughly as I can to help you – a writer of some kind – feel confident about writing non-binary characters.
These questions are a launchpad into the community, and my experiences as a white, English, neurodivergent non-binary person will not match those from other cultures or neurodivergences.
I also chose to focus on non-binary people instead of explicitly non-binary characters so that it also serves as awareness for real people in the writing community.
What does “non-binary” mean?
In its most basic definition, “non-binary” is a gender outside of the binary of man or woman. It’s used as an umbrella term for anyone who considers their gender identity to be neither man or woman, as well as its own label for someone’s gender identity.
Other gender identities that fall under the umbrella of “non-binary” include: agender, androgyne, bigender, genderfluid, genderqueer, and neutrois.
What pronouns do non-binary people use?
Non-binary people can use any pronouns they wish, but the most common pronouns they use are they/them/their/themself. The singular they/them pronoun is neutral and widespread enough that it’s easier for people to recognise and adapt to using they/them pronouns.
Some other pronouns popular with non-binary people include:
- He/him/his/himself
- She/her/her/herself
- Xe/xem/xyr/xemself
- E/em/eir/emself
- Ze/hir/hir/hirself
Other non-English languages have gender-neutral pronouns like de/dem/deres in Danish, he/hen/hun in Dutch, ile/dile/nile in Portuguese, and zey/zeyer/zeyere in Yiddish.
Non-binary people might also have a preference for any pronouns (where they are okay with any and all pronouns used to refer to them), no pronouns (preferring to be referred to as their name or another descriptor), and alternating pronouns (such as she/they or he/they).
Is “non-binary” considered a “third gender” equivalent to “woman” or “man”?
Non-binary can be called a third gender, but it’s also important to recognize that many people view gender as a spectrum – whether a line or a colour wheel, it’s still a spectrum – where “woman” and “man” are points on that spectrum alongside many other points representing other genders.
Culture also plays into this. There are a number of culturally recognized third genders in the world, including Two-Spirit (an umbrella term for non-binary identities in Native American cultures), Xジェンダー (X-gender in Japan), femminiello (an identity in Neapolitan culture), and more.
Are non-binary people considered transgender?
Transgender as an umbrella term includes non-binary people, because “transgender” ultimately means that a person has a gender identity different than their sex assigned at birth. Not all non-binary people consider themselves transgender.
Trans men and trans women are not non-binary, as they are men and women, while other trans people may consider themselves non-binary.
Is “non-binary” the same as “genderfluid”, “genderqueer”, or “agender”?
Non-binary is both an umbrella term for gender identities outside of “man” and “woman”, as well as a gender identity on its own. People who identify as genderfluid, genderqueer, and agender share similarities, as they all fall under the umbrella term of non-binary, but their experiences vary.
For example, genderfluid people may feel like they are multiple genders or that their gender expression changes over time (whether day by day, month by month, or otherwise). Meanwhile, genderqueer people may feel like they have a queer or non-normative experience with gender (even if they identify as a man or woman, they may be gender non-conforming with their expression or identity).
When does a non-binary person decide to go by “she” or “them”?
It’s different for every non-binary person when their pronouns change, and many people experience multiple times in their life where a different pronoun feels more comfortable. In most experiences, a person changes their pronouns when they’re the most confident in making that change or when they’re the most upset by being referred to with other pronouns.
For example, a person who is continually referred to as “she/her” might be upset by the assumption that they are a woman, so they ask people to use “they/them” pronouns for them.
A non-binary character might start using they/them pronouns from the beginning of a story; consistency here is key. Make sure you use the pronouns you’ve chosen for them to avoid misunderstandings or misgendering.
What does it mean when a person describes themself as a “non-binary woman” or “non-binary man”?
There are non-binary people who identify as both non-binary and a binary gender. These are often people who feel that they are not exclusively a woman or a man. They may feel comfortable being seen as both a woman and non-binary, and their experiences relate more to those genders, as opposed to men or non-binary men.
It can also be used by people who lean more towards being a woman than a man, without identifying strictly as a woman. For example, “demiboy” and “demigirl” are identities that partially identify as a gender. It’s not about percentage, but instead how someone identifies.
Note: This is outside of my experience, as I only identify as agender or non-binary.
What does it say on a non-binary person’s passport or driving license?
Depending on the country and its legislature, a non-binary person’s ID may or may not signal their assigned sex (as “Male” or “Female”). But there are also many forms of ID that now allow an X marker in the place of M or F.
For example, in the UK, driving licenses don’t include a specify marker for a person’s gender or sex, but you can change your title from “Miss” or “Mr” to “Mx”, which is a title used mostly by non-binary people. Many banks also allow you to use Mx as your title.
Is it ever OK to ask a non-binary individual personal questions about their body?
Asking a non-binary person about their body is like asking a woman about her body or a man about his body. There are situations where this is necessary (like in medical environments) and some situations where it may be necessary (such as in romantic or sexual relationships).
If you have to ask a non-binary person about their body, you should always do this with sensitivity, and with the ability for that person to decline talking about it, whether in the moment or completely.
When writing, the best way to approach a non-binary character’s body is to imagine it without any sexual characteristics. Unless it’s important to the story, you should treat that character as if they have no breasts, no sexual organs, and no binary traits (such as facial hair or particular body shapes). This stops you from assuming their assigned sex in your head, which can prevent you from slipping up with their pronouns.
When it comes to romantic or sexual scenes, you should ask yourself what information is relevant for those characters. If they have a romantic relationship and no sexual contact (whether you’re describing it or it’s an asexual relationship), do you require knowledge about that character’s body?
This can also stop readers from assuming the assigned sex of your non-binary character. Sometimes it might be important to know more about your character’s body, but if you don’t need to know for other characters… why is it different with them?
Are non-binary people always gay or queer?
Non-binary people can experience sexual attraction the same way or a different way to cisgender people. They are often, but not always, attracted to multiple genders (for example: women and non-binary people, all genders, or people regardless of gender).
You may have also seen the term “sapphic” used instead of “lesbian” – this is a more inclusive term that means attraction to feminine people or feminine energies. It’s sometimes defined as attraction to women, trans women, femme non-binary people, and other gender identities.
What stereotypes for non-binary characters should be avoided?
Stereotypes around non-binary people often come down to presentation, but there are also some potentially harmful stereotypes in fiction. One of the most harmful stereotypes is the idea of a feminine-presenting person with dyed hair and glasses, usually also considered an SJW (Social Justice Warrior). In its simplest form, that’s the “blue hair with pronouns” stereotype.
Other stereotypes to avoid when writing a non-binary character include:
- Anyone with dyed black hair, tattoos, and piercings is considered non-binary (this is usually an overlap of identities, including goth and punk people)
- Non-binary people being “woman-lite”, whether they are feminine-presenting or not
- All non-binary people having nature-related names (see my posts on gender-neutral character names for true variety)
- Non-binary people are intersex people (gender identity and differences in sex development are two different concepts)
- That every non-binary person uses they/them pronouns
- Non-binary people wanting to destroy gender and stop others from being masculine or feminine (we actually want more freedom for everyone to express themselves as they’d like to)
- Being non-binary is a phase (it is possible, and sometimes common, to explore your identity in different ways before settling on what is most comfortable to you)
- Non-binary people being either masculine, feminine, or androgynous, not anywhere in between or outside of those physical presentations
- That non-binary people are always neurodivergent, usually autistic
- Non-binary people being oversensitive or always young people in their teens or twenties
- Non-binary people being inhuman or lacking in empathy for others
- Aliens or otherworldly beings who are depicted as non-binary (lacking sexual characteristics) when there are no non-binary humans in the story
As with all stereotypes, these can be written and explored – and in some ways should be explored – but should be done sensitively. Remember that non-binary people are just like you. We just experience life a little differently.